ponderings on what happens after this life. . .

"If I ever die, I'm gonna go in hell and just play star wars lego complete saga all the time."

(We asked him about the going to hell part because nobody we know who he spends time with believes in a going to hell kind of concept and he just said, "Oh, nobody told me about it.  I just know that when you die, you go in hell.")

heh. . heh. . heh. . . blehhh.

joe:  Wow, I'm nearly 93 points behind in this scrabble game.

h:  Oh!  I can help you.  Do you have the letters to spell 'alien?'

joe:  Nope.

h:  Hmmmm. . . OH!  How about 'baahhth.'

joe:  Birth?

h:  No.   'B-A-A-A-A-H-H-T-H.'  You know, barth.  Like to frow up.

little h then proceeds to pretend frow up, only he starts it like a fake sneeze.

Bodily functions are difficult to convey when you have issues with Rs, interchange THs and Fs, and when you mix them up with other bodily functions.

I'm going camping and I'm taking. . .

an oldie, but a goodie. . .

Summer before last, when little h was 4, we were on a little road trip with friends and playing the game, "I'm going camping and I'm taking . . . "  in which you take turns making up something to take camping that starts with each letter of the alphabet and with each turn, you have to remember what everyone has said so far.

Not much interested in taking turns or the alphabet, little h randomly yelled out, "I am going camping and I'm taking tree sap and cidarettes!  OH!  AND a houseful of naked womans."

(those weren't typos, that's just how little h pronounces things)

magic spells, little h-style

Standing at the commode, doing his business:

"Wingardium levi-penis."

we interrupt you're regularly scheduled program with a funny from the big sister

little h has some issues with chocolate, so we avoid it - especially in the evenings.  One evening we were driving through a fast food place to get some ice cream sundaes for a treat.  little h's older sister was really wanting a hot fudge sundae but knew she couldn't say the words in front of little h or he would want one too. 

As we were ordering, I got this request from the sister in the back seat, "Could you order me a hot f-word sundae.  Heavy on the f-word please."

checkmate

little h likes to play chess.  And though he knows the rules and could, theoretically sit down and play an entire game without, say, stealing his opponents knights and hiding them in his pants, he really prefers to play by his own rules.

I thought that perhaps he was the last person in the family I could still beat at chess, but I suffered a devestating loss to him recently.

In my defense, it was a hybrid game of scrabblechess and only little h really understood the rules.  In our game he. . .

. . . captured both of my "bushups" in one move with his "pond."

. . . made his king do a triple back flip diagonally across the board so he could shoot my knight.

. . . "reloaded" my pond and turned him into a robot that worked for him.

. . . "remoted" my king to a position off the board.

. . . checkmated my queen with an 'F' tile.

. . . knocked over several of my pieces, effectively destroying my strategy, with a 13" tyrannosaurus rex named Joseph.

. . . and, in a move that destroyed any chance I may have had to capture any of his pieces, his bushop avoided capture by jumping 3 feet into the air as my queen approached his square.

Checkmate.

holy h

a prayer from little h:

"HEY Jesus Christ! How 'bout you drop a hundred gallons of poop on Andrea's head today.  Amen"

(is there anything quite so inspirational as pudgy little dimpled hands folded in prayer?)

breakfast table wisdom

h:  Hey, do I know how to read yet?

mom:  I don't know, do you?

h:  SOMEONE PUT A NEWSPAPER IN FRONT OF ME, QUICK!!!

[mom puts a newspaper in front of him, he peruses it for a bit]

h:  Hmmm. . . Nope, not yet.  I'm getting close, though.  I think.

a new take on and old saying. . .

Sticks and stones may break my penis, but words will never pee me.

what did ya learn in kindergarten today, little h?

mom:  what did you learn in school today, little h?

h:  never argue on a battlefield.  you will end up dead.